Alla Vilnyanskaya
Tennis Ball
for Jesse
I.
Under the Uhaul Ramp
Jaya had driven her car, and suffered a massive concussion
"How many times have you tried to commit suicide?"
Jaya had driven her car, and suffered a massive concussion
"How many times have you tried to commit suicide?"
Sepia
When I was five my parents showed me a violent program on television. It was a show called Ti Ti Peshe Shaloe about a beautiful young woman with brown hair who was addicted to heroin. She fell in love with a cop. At some point there was a mad woman in the attic of her husband’s house. They succeeded in locking her there, while her husband moved on and led another life completely.
When I was five my parents showed me a violent program on television. It was a show called Ti Ti Peshe Shaloe about a beautiful young woman with brown hair who was addicted to heroin. She fell in love with a cop. At some point there was a mad woman in the attic of her husband’s house. They succeeded in locking her there, while her husband moved on and led another life completely.
My husband, my ex-boyfriend, white dress, attic. You can’t just let yourself go. I was locked in a basement and forced to take the blame, for isolating myself. Women’s emotions are counterfeit.
II.
When I was five, I told my grandmother, I wanted to jump off of the balcony (we had two) I was aiming for the one in the living room with all the glass, the large table, and the TV.
About Ira, they said he is a podonok, but I think he is worse. A podonok is still human. In March of 2014 I got into my car. I started to drive and thought I would definitely get into some kind of wreck.
I wanted to call him. I called his job, nobody answered; maybe they didn’t receive the call. I couldn’t leave a message. It gave him some kind of satisfaction. The idiot was a big fan of Black Swan.
Maybe I did, or maybe I was past the point of attempting suicide. The idea that suicide would bring peace was remote.
III.
Don’t give it a name
It feels like people these days are less scared of death
than they are of rejection
everyone wants to play solider
Play doctor
play with fire
"And what about me? The dog says, I don’t have a presence?"
I love you and was abandoned by my surrogate parents
and here I am getting frostbite. Yes, you were led against and
maybe even away from me, but did you have no free will?
than they are of rejection
everyone wants to play solider
Play doctor
play with fire
"And what about me? The dog says, I don’t have a presence?"
I love you and was abandoned by my surrogate parents
and here I am getting frostbite. Yes, you were led against and
maybe even away from me, but did you have no free will?
Who am I? Am I the dog here, or the Indian Princess who threw herself into a fire.
IV.
Ft. Lauderdale 2011
After my grandmother died
there was a moth infestation
in my apartment
there was a moth infestation
in my apartment
Little worms somehow cocooned in every crevice
inside of my popcorn ceiling
we tried to beat them off with a broom
But they kept coming back
inside of my popcorn ceiling
we tried to beat them off with a broom
But they kept coming back
I saw about 12 crows
they landed on our balcony
they landed on our balcony
Two birds fighting
on the bench, one, female pecking
screaming and
real, or imagined
I saw a dragonfly
imprinted in the sand
on the bench, one, female pecking
screaming and
real, or imagined
I saw a dragonfly
imprinted in the sand
V.
My father, walking with a cane
his mouth crooked
contorted from shingles
his mouth crooked
contorted from shingles
You can’t keep beating a hearse—
a dead door bolt lock
a dead door bolt lock
He said he was like my father
that he didn’t care about me
just like him
Three wives
one barely out of prison
one deemed insane
Another with portraits of her daughter
all over her grand piano
that he didn’t care about me
just like him
Three wives
one barely out of prison
one deemed insane
Another with portraits of her daughter
all over her grand piano
There are my pneumonia shots
V.
Sapphire
My parents and I went to Disney world
my father took many pictures of me at the Epcot center
While we were waiting, I saw a man standing in line
waiting for his girlfriend
He turned around and held out his hand
I sat down and refused to move
"He’s not going to hurt you
What’s wrong? Let’s keep going,"
Milon had a friend who had a reputation
my father took many pictures of me at the Epcot center
While we were waiting, I saw a man standing in line
waiting for his girlfriend
He turned around and held out his hand
I sat down and refused to move
"He’s not going to hurt you
What’s wrong? Let’s keep going,"
Milon had a friend who had a reputation
VI.
In a canopy bed
with black metal pieces
protruding under the mesh net
My mother said
One day, blue eyes will kill you
I arrive home
one day too late
Barry draped over my shoulder
like a scarf; dead animal who knew, or begged, or pined
for his life
in the end
dead animal
voice over my mother’s home
Sasha weeping and weeping:
Hip torn off along with the metal.
Aziza
like a ripe fruit, still
lives up to her name
with black metal pieces
protruding under the mesh net
My mother said
One day, blue eyes will kill you
I arrive home
one day too late
Barry draped over my shoulder
like a scarf; dead animal who knew, or begged, or pined
for his life
in the end
dead animal
voice over my mother’s home
Sasha weeping and weeping:
Hip torn off along with the metal.
Aziza
like a ripe fruit, still
lives up to her name
How easily people forget
and live out self-fulfilling prophesies.
and live out self-fulfilling prophesies.
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