Suzannah Weiss: Dancing With Snakes
Dancing With Snakes
(CW: sexual distress, disordered eating)
I don’t remember if it was something that happened to me
Or just everything happening all around me
I only remember the nightmares of being tossed into pools of snakes
And how the garden’s squirmy worms took on a sinister sense
I don’t remember where my voice got trapped
Just that one day, it couldn’t make it out my throat
Before it all, I’d jump and scream and shout
Then suddenly, it was too much to say “hello”
I don’t remember when I was first sexualized
Just that when my breasts grew, I fantasized about cutting them off
That when my hips widened, I had to starve them away
That when more fat threatened to enter me, I had to throw it back up
That I’d let him reach into my pants but not my shirt
That I curled up in a ball when he unbuttoned it
And when he asked “do you want me to take off my pants?”
I couldn’t answer and I didn’t know why
I never recalled what brought me into hiding
But I’m still held in the embrace of the arms that pulled me out
Pairs of hands with gentle caresses attached to faces with kind eyes
That gazed at mine so I knew they were there, feeling with me
I remember how it took a village to rebirth me
A village built from Tinder swipes and sex clubs
A village built from “forget about me, tell me what you want”
And “I’ll only proceed if you say ‘yes please’”
Until I could not only walk past snakes fearlessly
But wrap them around me and dance in delight
Until I could moan as I guided hands to my chest
And mischievously grin as my fingers unzipped zippers
Until I could show the same hands I feared would hurt me
How to please me and please me and please me
Until I no longer grew nauseated
At the sight of the food that feeds me
Until the pain someone, no one, or everyone had dealt me
Was dwarfed by the pleasure coursing through me
Then one day, it was no longer a question of what they’d take from me
But of how much they could give me
Suzannah Weiss is a freelance journalist focused on gender and sexuality. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, and elsewhere. Her creative writing has appeared in The East Bay Review and Sparkle + Blink. She resides in Santa Monica, CA and spends her spare time giving psychic readings, leading cacao ceremonies, coaching people on their sex lives, and writing poems inspired by philosophers and their cats. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram.