Morgan McIvor Bowser: 2 Poems
Girlhood Bugs
Lightning bugs are endangered
They weren’t when we were three
Or maybe they were and we
Caught them anyway
You with your cherubic hands
You having dad punch mini holes in mason jar lids
You who caught three blinking bugs by yourself
You that cannot understand innocence because
You are living it
Once you married two trees in the backyard
Because their branches touched, entangled
The first communion book upside down
White dress from when you were a flower girl
Small squeaky voice that sounds like mine
Pronouncing them tree and tree
Forever
I see your hands holding eyes upon a golden plate
Like St. Lucy you battle cry for what is just
The boys who hit you
The girls who exclude you
Killing yourself to become worthy of them
& annelids
CW: sexual assault
i once watched a worm dehydrate on a sidewalk
the sun burnt the back of my neck
i poked my toddler pudgy finger
in the once alive worm
already hardened to the cement
i hardly feel anything anymore
the amount of loss toppling over
my taciturn body like the wave of a tsunami
and still, i dig my fingers in the sand
refusing to believe the eye is safe
when nothing else has been
i got in a friend’s car—the color escapes me
my new teenage brain horrified at the expansion of my thighs
melting into the passenger seat
i thought he was sweet
until he pulled in his forested driveway unexpectedly
and brought me up maybe a thousand cement stairs
he turned me around and assured me
that he could force an abortion
and make my death look like an accident
made sure i knew the stairs were part of the plan
the cement was warm from the sun
bearing witness through the bay window
my bare feet unable to begin running
i didn’t know how to save myself
i didn’t know how long i had to live
to be fair i knew i didn’t want to after
i watched fourteen-year-old me from the ceiling
how my body went limp on his bed
and everything shut off
unable to escape melting under him
a hardened worm incapable of thought
i replay it every night
no wonder i can’t sleep
or why i throw up drinking anxiously
i learned the lesson every once pudgy toddler girl does
Morgan McIvor Bowser is a creative writer and adjunct professor in Cleveland, OH. She enjoys hiking and traveling in her spare time. You can find her on Instagram, where she is chronically online, @_morganbowser.