Chris Biles
(CW: violence, self-harm, blood)
Love of Hate
I practice punching
at the kitchen table
on the couch
in my sleep
I make a fist
study the veins that press out
against the skin of my forearms
at the kitchen table
on the couch
in my sleep
I make a fist
study the veins that press out
against the skin of my forearms
I see my life there
when the blood runs thick:
my rage, my joy
the tender twisting of the two
competing
contradicting
— my love of hate
rising in my pulse
with the power of perceived necessity.
when the blood runs thick:
my rage, my joy
the tender twisting of the two
competing
contradicting
— my love of hate
rising in my pulse
with the power of perceived necessity.
I make a fist
and see my life there
and see my life there
Then pause
release
breathe
lay down my hand
let it rest on the kitchen table
beside the gentle whorls of woodgrain
release
breathe
lay down my hand
let it rest on the kitchen table
beside the gentle whorls of woodgrain
I study the stillness
and the weight of reality hits
as I wonder
if my narrow fingers
veins
running the length of my forearm
would still look this way
if I took it too far
would still look this way
in the stony stillness of death
and the weight of reality hits
as I wonder
if my narrow fingers
veins
running the length of my forearm
would still look this way
if I took it too far
would still look this way
in the stony stillness of death
Cause and Effect
The darkness beneath your downcast eyes
is abuse
pure –
but not simple
is abuse
pure –
but not simple
either
the result of the transferring of kinetic energy
from fist to face
from fist to face
or
the timeless torture
of a mind lost within itself
when the eyes
see all
but
what is right there
in front of them
of a mind lost within itself
when the eyes
see all
but
what is right there
in front of them
or
it could be both
the one
causing
the other –
the one
causing
the other –
as we learn in elementary school
when baking soda is added
to vinegar
when baking soda is added
to vinegar
just a body
You feel:
a blow to the side of your head
the prick of a needle through your skin
wind blowing shards of ice against the back of your neck.
Your mind
thoughts
feelings
are tuned into your senses
–your body.
a blow to the side of your head
the prick of a needle through your skin
wind blowing shards of ice against the back of your neck.
Your mind
thoughts
feelings
are tuned into your senses
–your body.
Your body
is your life.
is your life.
But when that blow knocks you down
and you have the chance to study the rough grain
of the dusty wood floor
when the needle leaves you with a small pool of blood
and that numbing chill that spreads so quickly,
like ice across still water
when the wind has left you without warmth
and you’re left to wonder if the shards will at last
cease to melt on your skin
there comes a sneaking suspicion
– or possibly a lightning-strike epiphany
that, after all
your body
is just a body.
and you have the chance to study the rough grain
of the dusty wood floor
when the needle leaves you with a small pool of blood
and that numbing chill that spreads so quickly,
like ice across still water
when the wind has left you without warmth
and you’re left to wonder if the shards will at last
cease to melt on your skin
there comes a sneaking suspicion
– or possibly a lightning-strike epiphany
that, after all
your body
is just a body.
No Say
Strings pull at your arms, legs
Strings reach in
through both ears
they wind their way along each fold and crevasse
of your brain
– tremble
because you have no say.
Strings reach in
through both ears
they wind their way along each fold and crevasse
of your brain
– tremble
because you have no say.
Strings stretch down
past clenched teeth
between your left tonsil and sensitive uvula, down
ridged esophagus and into your heart
Strings weave inside
both atria, both ventricles
veins, arteries
Your heart beats to the pull
of the strings
– tremble
because you have no say.
past clenched teeth
between your left tonsil and sensitive uvula, down
ridged esophagus and into your heart
Strings weave inside
both atria, both ventricles
veins, arteries
Your heart beats to the pull
of the strings
– tremble
because you have no say.
They decide
what is in your heart.
what is in your heart.
They decide
– so, tremble
because you have no say.
– so, tremble
because you have no say.
But, by God, be grateful.
Bleeding Hearts
In the soil was planted fear
meant to flower into disgust and hate
so that their sense of right and wrong
became twisted like purple vines meant to suffocate
and we became something other than human:
green growths climbing skyward
but existing only to be ripped out by the roots
allowed to desiccate in the sun that would otherwise
provide sustenance
meant to flower into disgust and hate
so that their sense of right and wrong
became twisted like purple vines meant to suffocate
and we became something other than human:
green growths climbing skyward
but existing only to be ripped out by the roots
allowed to desiccate in the sun that would otherwise
provide sustenance
They were taught to see us as abominations,
emboldened by the bible, or by abhorrence, or by both.
emboldened by the bible, or by abhorrence, or by both.
Entitled men with sticks in their hands tend to use them
so that in protest you’ll find
as they lean on theirs
you’ll be beneath them
feeling the weight of your pride
in bruises
and blood
so that in protest you’ll find
as they lean on theirs
you’ll be beneath them
feeling the weight of your pride
in bruises
and blood
And then
pinned in the dirt
surrendering in the soil
it becomes hard to remember
that you haven’t
always
been
a bleeding heart
pinned in the dirt
surrendering in the soil
it becomes hard to remember
that you haven’t
always
been
a bleeding heart
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