Nikia Bain
(CW: disordered eating)
revive
are you afraid
that if you lose your illness
you will lose your identity?
that if you lose your illness
you will lose your identity?
the women you were
before your first breath
wait for you,
patiently placing thoughts
in your head,
patiently picking at the
plaque on your teeth.
patiently waiting for you
to become more than
a patient.
before your first breath
wait for you,
patiently placing thoughts
in your head,
patiently picking at the
plaque on your teeth.
patiently waiting for you
to become more than
a patient.
the flower bearer
she saw herself as
a delicate porcelain piece.
she ignored the fact
that there were
deep-rooted cracks
on the base of her vase.
a delicate porcelain piece.
she ignored the fact
that there were
deep-rooted cracks
on the base of her vase.
(baby, you are skin and bones.)
(baby, you are dying.)
i bite the tip of my tongue,
for she understands this;
words are but fuel to
the disintegrating mind.
(baby, you are dying.)
i bite the tip of my tongue,
for she understands this;
words are but fuel to
the disintegrating mind.
darling, don’t you know
that when you are only
shards, others will
not see beauty?
a vase cannot function
while she is broken;
as a body will not
live without food.
that when you are only
shards, others will
not see beauty?
a vase cannot function
while she is broken;
as a body will not
live without food.
allow the golden joinery
to mend your urn.
trust in the woman
you buried when you
skipped the first meal.
she will assemble you
with veins of urushi.
to mend your urn.
trust in the woman
you buried when you
skipped the first meal.
she will assemble you
with veins of urushi.
return to the halcyon days
of life before
bones became beauty.
you must rise again.
your higher self waits for that day.
of life before
bones became beauty.
you must rise again.
your higher self waits for that day.
5th grade
5th grade classroom.
a thrown away lunch and an email
to my parents.
a thrown away lunch and an email
to my parents.
5th grade bedroom,
a yoga mat, and a hour long
workout, every single day.
a yoga mat, and a hour long
workout, every single day.
the elementary school math
morphed into middle school wrath,
for myself, for my body.
morphed into middle school wrath,
for myself, for my body.
7th grade friend's house.
a small comment on my wrist,
and the endless workouts to follow.
a small comment on my wrist,
and the endless workouts to follow.
7th grade bathroom.
a finger down my throat,
and scrolling through thinspo
every single day.
a finger down my throat,
and scrolling through thinspo
every single day.
that year disappears,
and comes next year's tears.
and comes next year's tears.
9th grade hospital.
a tube up my nose
and a hidden pile of food.
a tube up my nose
and a hidden pile of food.
9th grade psych ward.
a held down wrist,
and god how i wish
I was back in
a held down wrist,
and god how i wish
I was back in
5th grade.
5th grade.
5th grade.
5th grade.
5th grade.
