Theodore Bee
i moved to new jersey and i’m dealing with being forgotten
i bleed purple but only when i try to
the sunshine, helium and hydrogen sun spots
i remember how to combust like i did as a child
screaming in the gymnastics studio
with a broken hand
i didn't tell her my mother wanted more
better better. and i lost something along the way
within myself that i cannot take back return to the body
the sunshine, helium and hydrogen sun spots
i remember how to combust like i did as a child
screaming in the gymnastics studio
with a broken hand
i didn't tell her my mother wanted more
better better. and i lost something along the way
within myself that i cannot take back return to the body
my professors lecture about embodiment and "I"
concepts i've trained myself to ignore they're purple, too
this inbetween, this fake-angelic, fakecolor iridescent and bright
the lawn grass is dirtied in white cherry blossoms in the spring
but only for a few moments, if you want to miss it you won't
concepts i've trained myself to ignore they're purple, too
this inbetween, this fake-angelic, fakecolor iridescent and bright
the lawn grass is dirtied in white cherry blossoms in the spring
but only for a few moments, if you want to miss it you won't
i schedule doctor's appointments just to forget them
it's therapeutic to know i'm wanted somewhere
it's heavenly, cherished and kind, i forget to learn myself in the process
i told my mother about the mountains in pennsylvania
how long it takes to drive across the state alone in your twenties
it's therapeutic to know i'm wanted somewhere
it's heavenly, cherished and kind, i forget to learn myself in the process
i told my mother about the mountains in pennsylvania
how long it takes to drive across the state alone in your twenties
i run to bruise the bottoms of my feet and dream about the mountains
i run from any conversation that gives me the benefit of the doubt
but i don't play devil's advocate, i sit
in silence
i think about
being human and what it means to exist in the nothing
i run from any conversation that gives me the benefit of the doubt
but i don't play devil's advocate, i sit
in silence
i think about
being human and what it means to exist in the nothing
i go to events to recognize the people who forgot about me
when crisis hit ten months into surviving
they remember my name and my face but never approach
when crisis hit ten months into surviving
they remember my name and my face but never approach
my mother asks what it's like here
i don't respond until i know she begins to worry
i'm here, and that's all i know
she checks what i claim on our shared health insurance
and she doesn't ask questions
i don't respond until i know she begins to worry
i'm here, and that's all i know
she checks what i claim on our shared health insurance
and she doesn't ask questions
we were never really people
i dig my teeth into the window sill
the wood is soft and rotten, gooey through my gums
smaller tooth marks from the carpenter ants
i can't seem to exterminate
the wood is soft and rotten, gooey through my gums
smaller tooth marks from the carpenter ants
i can't seem to exterminate
i still whisper your name at night
to remind myself it could be so much worse
than sleeping in a bed with dead wasps
and shattered coffee mugs with dried tea leaves sleeping
to remind myself it could be so much worse
than sleeping in a bed with dead wasps
and shattered coffee mugs with dried tea leaves sleeping
we danced in the kitchen to spotify ads
we kissed in the hidden spaces under my bed
like we were the parasitic bugs
infesting college dorm carpets
we kissed in the hidden spaces under my bed
like we were the parasitic bugs
infesting college dorm carpets
i spent my nights hoping you were in love with me
and you spent yours hoping i'd live through the hurt
you knew you were causing, but not preventing
we both exploit me, and we're okay with that
and you spent yours hoping i'd live through the hurt
you knew you were causing, but not preventing
we both exploit me, and we're okay with that
i block out the part where i hurt you
i don't write about my own flaws unless
i know i will be applauded for my vulnerability
as if i have anything to bare after you
i don't write about my own flaws unless
i know i will be applauded for my vulnerability
as if i have anything to bare after you
i sip your favorite tea out of a scotch glass
i remember the taste of your lips and your skin
and your spit, but never your voice
we hadn't spoke in words.
i remember the taste of your lips and your skin
and your spit, but never your voice
we hadn't spoke in words.
the cricket's lament
i've started to think my blood is made of something magical
something less toxic than the "low-dose chemo" i take
less than the NSAID overdose i was subjected to for years
it's faerie dust and moonlit fireflies in the garden praying
something less toxic than the "low-dose chemo" i take
less than the NSAID overdose i was subjected to for years
it's faerie dust and moonlit fireflies in the garden praying
i stopped talking about my childhood when it ended
i find it hard to believe i ever had one to begin with
i remember the cherry-stained view from inside my mother's house
screendoors the only thing keeping me captive
i find it hard to believe i ever had one to begin with
i remember the cherry-stained view from inside my mother's house
screendoors the only thing keeping me captive
i told my mother a therapist at school said i had a weird childhood
and she laughed, guttural and visceral, like all the times she'd hurt me
she doesn't show warnings before it happens, it's just there
like my body under the bed when i couldn't sleep, praying
and she laughed, guttural and visceral, like all the times she'd hurt me
she doesn't show warnings before it happens, it's just there
like my body under the bed when i couldn't sleep, praying
i used to collect worms and shove them in my raincoat pockets
hoping to keep a friend for a lonely day, instead
i collected their dried up corpses, but i still kissed them goodnight;
someone should feel loved
hoping to keep a friend for a lonely day, instead
i collected their dried up corpses, but i still kissed them goodnight;
someone should feel loved
i stopped talking for a year, which wasn't the same year i couldn't hear
my brain gave out both times, frying itself at either end
burning whatever would catch first. my first word was three syllables
but my mother never told me what it was, besides a sign i was going to be smart
my brain gave out both times, frying itself at either end
burning whatever would catch first. my first word was three syllables
but my mother never told me what it was, besides a sign i was going to be smart
when i took the exam to get in the gifted program i failed six times
they'd give me the same one each time and watch me relive my failures
over and over again. and i let them. they told me i was special.
and if it wasn't my brain, it had to be something else, i knew it.
they'd give me the same one each time and watch me relive my failures
over and over again. and i let them. they told me i was special.
and if it wasn't my brain, it had to be something else, i knew it.
